


technicalities

by JaguarCello



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Book 5: Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix, Canon Compliant, Canon Era, M/M, Relationship Advice
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-08-12
Updated: 2014-08-12
Packaged: 2018-02-12 20:50:12
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,488
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2124267
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JaguarCello/pseuds/JaguarCello
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Harry needs advice about girls. He foolishly decides to ask Sirius about this, and it goes just about as well as you would expect.</p>
            </blockquote>





	technicalities

At last, once even Hermione had murmured goodnight and gone up to bed, Harry heard the fire begin to crackle more loudly. It was burning low, embers a brilliant red, and as he looked at it the colours began to swim in front of him. Sirius’s head appeared; he looked a little worse for wear, as if he had been drinking Firewhiskey from the bottle again. His eyes were bright, and his hair was more tangled than ever. Harry was reminded of the laughing man he had seen in the pictures of the old Order; Sirius looked _young_.

“Sirius!” he said, and then remembered to whisper. “What are you – “

Sirius looked shifty, and glanced to one side. “Molly said that Ron had mentioned that Hermione had said that you were worried about some things,” he said, all in one breath, and glanced to the side again. “Was that right?” He must have had some sort of assent, because he nodded and turned to face Harry. He was failing to hide a wolfish grin.

“It’s nearly Christmas,” Harry said, and looked out of the window at the slowly drifting snow. “A week to go –“

“I hear you’ve got yourself a _girlfriend_ ,” said Sirius, gleefully. “A Ravenclaw, apparently. I’m sure she is brilliant and all that, but does she know about contraceptive charms?”

Despite his furtive readings on the matter in the Restricted Section, Harry did not know a lot about contraceptive charms. Madame Pince had caught a glimpse of what he was reading about - sex charms - turned puce, and had left him to it. He tried to breath, and segued into a coughing fit rather nicely, but before he could reply he heard a step on the stairs. Sirius’s eyes flickered to it, and he was gone; Harry watched the coals turn to ash and slumbered in his armchair, and dreamt about Arthur Weasley being attacked by a snake.

That, of course, rather eclipsed his worries about girls, but a week after Arthur was declared fit and healthy, he cornered Sirius in the tapestry room.

“I need advice about girls,” he said, and Sirius looked at him. “I need to know why they don’t say what they _mean_ , because it’s bloody confusing.” He watched Sirius’s gaze flicker from the tapestry and back to his face. “I thought you had hundreds of girls chasing after you – “

Sirius smiled. “Chasing after me, yes. The charms of girls, sadly, are a mystery to me, which is why my parents were so glad to have the spare,” and he looked at the family tree.

Harry looked as well, hoping to discern some sort of clue about it all. “They can be very mysterious, can’t they?” he said, pretending that he knew how girls’ brains work. “They say they like you and then they cry about their dead boyfriends  - “

“Wouldn’t Hermione be a better person to talk to about this?” Sirius said, and he seemed to surprise even himself. “I mean, she has the right kit and all that,” he added, with a vague wave of his hand.

“I thought you were -“

“A player? Well, evidently. Far too many detentions for skulking behind tapestries with various people, far too many furtive fumblings in the dormitories – “

“It’s a good thing that girls can go into the boys’ dormitories,” Harry said, nodding sagely. “Did you ever try to get into the girls’?”

Sirius blinked a couple of times. “Peter tried it, and your father did of course.” He grinned. “It was Christmas, and I had just got my motorbike. It made me _very_ popular with everyone, and James had some harebrained scheme of persuading your mother to go on it, with him.” He paused, and looked away, and then back at Harry. “That might have been euphemistic,” he added, and Harry grimaced. “Anyway, he flew the motorbike up the stairs – having sent Peter up the normal way, to check if they became that slide. They still did, and then the motorbike came crashing down. James was stuck on a lamp-fitting, and we had to ask McGonagall to help him.”

Harry looked at him, until he snapped out of his memories. “So, you never went up there, but they came to yours, right?”

Sirius looked as if he would much rather be chasing rabbits in the garden, and smirked out of pure habit. “There were girls in my dormitory, yes. Whichever one Peter could persuade he was _actually_ 5’9”, and if your father – well. You probably don’t want to know,” and he shrugged. “They didn’t seem to like the mess, so clear up any wanky socks and that sort of thing beforehand.”

Harry raised an eyebrow, and Sirius shrugged again. “They like clean things, probably. Sugar and spice, erm. All things nice. But the important thing to do is remember to be cool and suave, okay?”

“Cool and suave?” Harry repeated, incredulously. “I spat _water_ over my own robe when trying to talk to her. Another time, I ended up covered in green gunge. I cannot be _suave_ around her, okay?”

Sirius looked at him. “So, you have your father’s charm. This could be tricky. Just, erm, offer to carry her books? Although Hermione says that is sexist, so – “

“Carry her books?” Harry said, sounding more and more like a stuck record. “Are you insane? She already cries about her last ex, you know the one. I turned up clutching his dead body,” and Sirius nodded.

“Bit of a mood killer, isn’t it? Can’t she, you know, realise that life is for the living – “ but he tailed off, looking at the tapestry again. “You can’t escape the past, Harry. We all have ghosts, and you can’t compete with them,” and he looked sad.

Harry nodded. “I just wish she could talk to me, rather than just crying on me. But anyway, I thought you were the fabled ladies’ man?”

Sirius looked abashed. “Ah,” he said, and fiddled with his watch. “In that department I am all mouth and no trousers. That is not an innuendo,” he warned. “I thought you _knew_ when Remus and I gave you that joint Christmas present, he had his hands down my trousers at dinner – “

Harry blinked behind his glasses. “You and Lupin – “

“Are – for want of a better word – as queer as they come. My parents were more than pleased to see the back of me, after I had papered my walls with Muggle male models. I think, perhaps, the last straw might have been turning up to their twentieth wedding anniversary pissed and halfway to high, with a guy from a gay bar in Soho. I threw up in the tureen,” he said, and smiled. “Long ago now.”

“That – that explains a lot,” Harry said, slowly. “Was it new? I mean, after Azkaban?” he asked, unable to contain his curiosity.

Sirius laughed, and the light from the candles glinted off his teeth; for a second, Harry thought of Snuffles. “We first kissed – oh, sixth year? It was raining, and it had been the full moon the previous week, and we were hiding under a tree just on the edges of the Forbidden Forest. He, well. He kissed me. That sounds simple – but that was _years_ of fannying about, dancing around each other, furtive wanks. Jealousy whenever there was a rumour going round about me and some girl,” and he examined his fingernails. “I am lucky, despite everything. He kept me going – the thought of him. When Voldemort returned I drank a lot; did a lot of drugs, too. He left for a bit, couldn’t take it – off on adventures with James. Then Lily got pregnant and we all gathered, and waited. Shit,” he said, scrubbing at his eyes.

Harry hugged him, and he smelled like fresh bracken and mud; clearly, Snuffles had had a good walk that day. “They loved you very much,” he said. “Maybe, if my mother had known about the contraceptive charm –“

“They wanted you badly,” Sirius interrupted, and then shook himself. “It’s only effective if you do it well before the actual act, or so I’m told – I never got to use it, obviously. I’m sure you’ve been reading,” and he smirked, “or _watching_ – when I was your age, those magazines were brilliant –“

“Muggle ones don’t move,” he told Sirius. “But Dudley has some tapes of truly hideous things –“

Sirius snorted. “Don’t tell me anymore. Just – you’ve got this, okay? No girl would pass up the chance to snog you. You’re not half bad-looking, and you’re a fairly normal bloke, so. You have to talk to her, after you shag her. I remember that Peter didn’t do that, on the one occasion he scored, and he got a Howler at breakfast detailing his inadequacies,” and he smiled. “Don’t be a dick,” he said, and patted Harry on the shoulder, and went in search of bacon.

“Don’t be a dick,” Harry repeated to the empty walls. “Excellent.”


End file.
